Hey Hey! It's Fight the Frump Friday, sponsored by FussyPants. It's my third week and as promised, it's time to talk about our breasts.
Breasts, boobies, tits, the ladies, the twins, bazoombas, melons, hooters, sweater puppies....whatever you call them. We have them and guys want them. They may not want them ON them (although I have seen some guys on the beach who were sporting some lovely examples of man-boobs) but they sure want to look at and touch them.
So as a terminally flat-chested chick, I can say this: I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime.
Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about Min? (but serious snaps to you if you can name that song!)
I'm saying that we may not have been born with the perfect boobs but let's work with what we got.
I have nursed three children. One of the wonderful things about breast-feeding (aside from that whole "closeness with your children" shit) is the big-honkin'-boobs you get. Man - they were wonderful! Unfortunately, they were hidden under a bra that looked like this:
No -that's not a picture of me. But it IS amazing what you can find when you Google "drooping boobs wearing a bra" and check out the images!
Does this look like your nursing bra? It sure looks like mine (although I think that this might be sexier than mine). What's more, this is the bra that I wore 24/7 because, as any nursing mom will tell you, there are sometimes "issues" with not wearing a bra (such as huge wet circles on your shirt). But if you are still nursing, there is no need to look like a frump like I did...I would change it if I could but I can't and all I can do is urge you to think about how they look while they are performing their natural function. Check out this site, one of many you can find if you Google "sexy nursing bras"
Ok - now on to you non-lactating moms.
I'm 38 years old. My rack is sinking faster than the Titanic. What were once perky little apples are now flacid little eggplants. With stretch marks. And funny hairs that need to be plucked every 26 days.
Enter Victoria's Secret Angels Collection (or whatever budget-appropriate brand suits you). You need underwires....an actual wire. No - those "wireless bras" won't do shit unless you have never borne a child or had plastic surgery. We are looking for "perky" ladies, so try this. If you are feeling "saucy", you can go for the balconet verion (my husband's favorite)
. But we need push AND lift.
And OK - let me just add right here that I wish that spending $40 on a bra would get me looking like this. Alas, I am not a supermodel, nor am I a size zero and I daresay that most of you reading this post aren't either.
But you don't have to be a supermodel to let your knockers look their best. We are looking for whatever keeps them from settling around our belly buttons...whatever gets them to not rest three inches apart. Whatever gets them looking nice and perky. Push-up bras are the key (unless you are my sister, who was born a 34D....the bitch!).
And what is the benefit of making our jugs look nicer? Well, aside from my whole theory about how when you look better, you feel better.... there is that whole "on the bed, on the floor, on a towel up by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar" thing. Isn't that reason enough? (note: nothing in this post should be construed as a guarantee that buying a push-up bra will enable the reader to fuck Matt Damon or Ben Affleck...I get first dibs on both!)
But with the right lingere, your husband may want to nail you a few more times per week! If you find that intolerable...well...then we really don't have much to say to each other any more, now do we?
Oh - and in case you didn't get that whole "flowers in the desert" thing:
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=bw2o_Go4QWI]
with apologies...the original MTV video has since been deleted and all I could find was this suck-ass "Top of The Pops" video. It's still a wonderful song!
Sister Honey Bunch
Yeah, I think I hate your sister too. 🙂
I need to go shopping.
jenefur
That is the one thing that I see all of the time. Women with unsupportive bras. They come in all ages and I just want to take them aside and tell them to get a good bra. It doesn't even have to be fancy or expensive. Just something to keep the girls up!
Daisy
So many women wear the wrong size bra - go get a fitting - don't be a dope about it - these people are trained professionals and like a doctor have seen it all... Great post - thanks Mindi!
Vampy
Great, great post Mindi! (p.s. you'll have to fight me for Matt Damon LOL)
Mindi
I should have also mentioned the HUGE importance of taking care of your boobs, whether they look good or not. Don't forget your monthly breast exams ladies! (which reminds me - I'm supposed to make an appointment to get my boobs smashed between two metal plates. I can't imagine why I have been putting that off!)
Vampy
LOL Mindi. I'm glad to say I've done mine already (all clean yahoo!) and pleased to say that this time the machine did not malfunction with my tit caught in it! Double Yay!
HRH
That was really funny. Loved the Matt and Ben mention. Is that first picture me?
Tamra
I have a serious love-hate relationship with bras. They creep me out yet I always want to buy more.
I think I have enough to open my own store. B's during pregnancy, C's and D's for milk-making, A's for when I'm not. Sigh.
Mindi
Daisy: great point about getting a good fit. Very few things are less attractive than the "boob fat" that you get from trying to squeeze that ladies in a too-small bra!
Pammy Girl
You can have Ben Affleck... yuk. As for boobs, let me be the spokesperson for the ginormous ta-ta goup: I wish they were smaller. I usually spend between $50-$90 for a bra, but not because I need the name brand. It's just when you've got 2 huge cantaloupes sitting on your chest, they take a lot more fabric to cover up and support. They hurt my back big time and I can't run right before my period. All that bouncing around shoots lighting bolts from my nipples to my knees.
Sadly, gravity wins in the boob department. This is another reason why I will spend the big bucks on bras. I am terrified of looking like my 7th grade math teacher who had DB (Droopy Boobs) that hung down to her belt. While I find it insulting that men talk to my breasts, I realize that they are my super power and give me control. So... I need a bra that pushes the ladies front and center so I can get what I want. And I want Matt Damon.
Daisy
Oh - and Min... the song... In a Big Country... 🙂
Alicia
Oh, you are funny. As a 42AA, I have to say I have no sympathy for the big boob bunch. Ever try to find a 42AA bra? Impossible. I look online and end up on a tranny site! I'm so tired of ugly sports bras being the only thing I can wear!
jenefur
Pammy... Try Lane Bryant! They have super supportive bras that are really pretty AND you can get them for about $30. They also have sales all of the time and you can get coupons when you sign up for emails on their website.
I am also a member of the GTTG and wish they were smaller. Having to hoist these things up every morning isn't my favorite thing!
Tara R.
I hate 'em, but we need 'em ... bras that is and not necessarily the 'twin sisters.' Agree that nursing two kids was great for boob fertilizer, but now I could be a poster child for National Geographic... not a fair trade if you ask me.
blog hopping - etcetera
Katrine
Count your blessings! After breast feeding four children, my breasts have disappeared. Gone. Nada. Nothing to see here!
Connie
Great Post!
My laughing at your post has brought the hubby up from his cave where he was deep in concentration playing World of Warcraft to find out what I was doing.
I have been watching those 'videos' all week and find them so freakin funny.
Back to the subject....my sweater puppies are well contained. DH begged me to trade in my nursing bra for Victoria Secret bras. I am still in shock to see the 'twins' up so close to my face!
Shannanb aka Mommy Bits
I love bras. Even with my post breast feeding boobs I can make myself feel good with the right bra.
Great, funny post!!
Hoppin~
Anastasia Beaverhousin
damon
Big boobies and Big Country.
A post beyond any expectations.
Well done.. well done.
HP
Victoria is my secret, too.
Bravo!
Blog hopping--HP