Caution: some serious self-pity & whining follows
Something has to give, and I don't know what it is...nor is there anything that I want to give up (aside from scrubbing toilets, but that isn't really an option).
I don't know what has happened recently. My children are still wonderful and I love my husband....I just can't figure out why any of them tolerate me any longer. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done and I find myself fantasizing about finding Martha Stewart and Mary Poppins and wringing their scrawny necks for setting the bar so high.
Yes - it's my own doing and I should just get over it. But that isn't going to happen. It's not in my personality. I guess that is why Bree VanDeKamp is my favorite TV character....I understand her completely (aside from the part about the string of murderous lovers....at least I'm pretty sure about that part)
What's strange is that the last two weeks have seen a decrease in my obligations. My role as President of my mother's club is all but over (nothing left but the end-of-year paperwork due by the 30th), pre-school is over so I have one less child to shuttle around, CCD is over, Prince #1 stopped having homework two weeks ago and the countdown to no longer having to deal with Satan's Spawn is in single digits.
And I find myself praying for rain.
Why? Because when it rains the kids can stay inside and I can get shit done. But with the weather being annoyingly beautiful the last few weeks (aside from the random one-day-monsoon), the kids want to be outside playing with their friends which means I need to be out there with them.
And how do I react to this incredible gift that I have been given of being allowed to stay at home and chalk in the driveway, swing on the swings and have water-gun fights with my children? With resentment, a short temper and perpetual distraction.
I have 3 loads of laundry constantly sitting in my room that need to be folded with another 2 loads daily behind them that need to be done (especially now that they are playing outside and literally rolling in dirt).
The thank-you notes still haven't been sent from the Prince's birthday party two weeks ago, the living room floor hasn't been mopped in two weeks.
I haven't made a really nice (AKA "from scratch") meal in over 3 weeks...it's been frozen pizza, hot dogs, chicken nuggets or chicken on the grill with side dishes of chemicals straight from the box/mix. While this may be what the other four members of this house prefer eating, loading them up with high fructose corn syrup, salt, fat and powdered cheese is something I swore I would never do.
And let's not even talk about the dining room...the "dumping ground" for everything that I need to get out of my way, but don't want to take the time to run it upstairs, downstairs or out to the garage.
And as for sex? There are Buddhist monks getting laid more often than me....and it certainly isn't Brad's fault or for lack of trying on his part. It's just that he often goes to bed with the kids (he has to be up and at work by 5:30am most days) and I usually need the time after the kids go to bed to straighten the kitchen or just have the first "me time" of the day. The result? I end up falling asleep on the sofa and not waking up until Brad is leaving for work.
I know what you are thinking (aside from "could this chick possibly whine a bit more?"). You are thinking "Why doesn't she give up the blog? Why doesn't she step away from the computer and fold that laundry or put away the dishes in the dishwasher?"
The answer is simple....I love you guys. I really do.
Since I started this blog I have met so many people that I consider kindred spirits. Not just from you people who read my ramblings, but especially from the wonderful blogs that I have found (click on links in the last sentence...I didn't think this whole "link to other blogs" things out too well and I got shit to do as soon as I hit "publish"). You people are just so fucking REAL, and there is such safety in the (not very) anonymous world of MommyBlogging (yes BusyDad - you're a MommyBlog as far as I am concerned). Sit at a playground with local woman and confess to not being a SuperMom and you get a bunch of looks that say "what's wrong with you?"
Say the same thing on a blog (or read it on someone elses) and you find yourself with more support and similar tales than anyone (including yourself) will admit to in real life. I place a great deal of value on the informal support group that can be found in the MommyBlog world.
And I know that these feelings of inadequecy and frustration will pass. They always do and I find myself back on track and happily scrubbing the tops of the door mouldings once again.
But for now, I will continue my wallowing....
Maria
No I was NOT thinking that you should just give up the blog. Don't do that. I'll hunt you down, and install a device in your left tit that will shock the shit out of you if you go 48 hours without posting. I mean it.
Feel better babe, I'm taking a break right now for all of the reasons that you stated. Except sex. He can jack off with barbed wire for all I care.
[I'm curious - is it the left tit that is tied in to the desire to blog? just wondering if boobs are similar to the whole "left brain/right brain" deal. But I wasn't thinking about giving up the blog...it's just that it's what I know is a recent (enjoyable) time-sucking addition to my life and logiv dictates that it should be the first to go.....but it absolutely won't be! as for the barbed wire comment? I'll make sure that Brad reads that so he at least knows that our currently-sexless life isn't THAT bad!- Mindi]
Mommy Dearest
Mindi, you have no idea how much I can relate to this, especially as of late. If you want a real laugh, my mind has been so occupied that when I was donating clothes yesterday, I accidentally threw in my cell phone as well. Just another thing to add to the plate in getting back. OFW. Feel better sweetie; these feelings come and go but I hope it helps to know that you have friends that do sympathize and empathize. Sending you hugs for a better day. XX (P.S. the weather report is stating rain so we might be on to something.)
[hey chicke- we talk via email, so you know that I love you! And hey - it's raining right now! - Mindi ]
Chris Austria
Would it be worth it to hire a maid for a day and a baby sitter for the weekend so that you can have some time for yourself? Just a thought.
[a maid for a day would stress me out even more...I can't stand the idea of anyone but cleaning this house top-to-bottom. Babysitters are few and far between in this area (and cost almost $10/hour.....stupid college students!) and I am remarkably cheap! - Mindi]
Say What?
Can I have an "AMEN" from the parish?! I called the zoo about the kids' zoo classes tickets because they hadn't arived and their first class was on the 28th and I was freaking! Except that I realized the day after I left a message for the wildabeasts at the zoo that it was the 28th of June and not May so when they did call back I was all "Oh well, you know how these last few weeks of school are ha, ha" (and please can't you put me in a cage with the nice quietly nursing mama lemurs or something just for a little while? I will be good)
5 more days of school then VBS starts and then Girlie has back surgery, then we start with Girl Scout camp (which Nutboy is attending with us) VBS Day camp, dance camp, sports camp etc.
As for sex, if I never see it again it will be too soon!
[the problem is - I LOVE sex...lovelovelove it! I honestly can't understand the "mommy-aversion" to sex that so many seem to have - Mindi]
daisybug
Min - first - hugs... next - stop.and.take.a.deep.breath.
Listen - I read something in a book by James Patterson that struck me as astonishingly true and accurate. (Yes - THAT James Patterson - the book was "Suzanne's Diary for Nicolas") Here it is...
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - Work - Family - Health - Friends - Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls -- family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.
They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
In this case, housework is "work". They key is balance, Min. It does no good to have a sparkly house if you are so drained by it that you can't be the best you for your family. You can't give away what you don't have... You need to really decide you want to work on this and chip away at it little by little.
Hang tight - take baby steps - you MUST try to train yourself to relax a little... okay? Just try.
[thanks Daisy! I can always count on you to inject a little sanity in to my madness! - Mindi]
Sandy (Momisodes)
How ironic? I share most of these struggles you've listed, especially hubby falling asleep with the kid and staying up for "me" time, but I never thought about giving up the blog. I find that blogging often falls into the "me" time and something that I have all to myself.
I hope you get a chance to invest in some more time and/or activities for yourself. *hugs*
[I've never really considered actually giving it it...just that to an outsider/non-blogger it would seem logical that the blog should fall by the wayside. Not gonna happen! - Mindi]
Mr Lady
I get less done now than I ever did working. I don't do well without structure. And that? INFURIATES ME. I feel you, dawg. And about the kindred spirits? THOSE EAST COAST GIRLS ARE HIP, YO. We're from the same place. Hence, we are in love. DUH.
[Not only are we in love, we share a passion for the finer things in life - like WaWa coffee. If we weren't both straight, I think that we would make a beautiful couple! - Mindi]
Tara R.
I've been having one of those weeks too... can't get caught up on anything, especially my blogging. Argh! I feel your pain sista.
[it seems to be going around....hell - Maria even put her blog on hiatus for a while! - Mindi]