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Why You Don’t Want To Win That Argument With Your Husband

June 29, 2016 by Mindi Cherry

Why You Do Not Want To Win That Argument With Your Husband

In a few weeks, I will be celebrating my 21st wedding anniversary with my husband.  In October, we will celebrate 25 years as a couple.

How have we managed to stay together for so long?  It's not because we have never had money problems (one of the leading causes of divorce).  It's not because we don't occasionally argue about things like the kids, the house, the lawn, how long the other works, where to go on vacation, the proper way to load a dishwasher or any of the things that make married couples squabble with each other….

And I am not one of those women who thinks it is fine for her husband to “send her to her room” where I pick up LEGOs and then ask my husband “Am I in trouble?”

It's because 99% of the time, neither one of us is “fighting to win”.

You see – about 22 years ago, when we got engaged, one of the requirements of our church was that we had to go to “pre-marriage classes”.  It was held at another local church and (I believe) was 4 nights, 2 hours per night.  I don't remember much of what was said at those classes, but both Brad and I remember and live by 1 thing that was said:

“Never fight to win. If you win, that makes your spouse the loser – and who wants to be married to a loser?”

I know that it sounds simple – and maybe it is. But it is a what has kept our marriage strong and allowed us to turn almost any argument in to a rational discussion.  It becomes more about trying to express our reasons for wanting to do things our way, but being open to the idea that there may be another way of approaching the problem. You can't have a decent discussion and come to a compromise that won't make one of you resentful if all you are trying to do is “win'.

Of course, this rule isn't going to work if what you are arguing about is infidelity, physical abuse, drug or alcohol abuse or the more serious things in life.  

But the day to day arguments that arise?  Give it a try!

Filed Under: Daily Life, Life As A Mom

This post may contain affiliate links which might make me money. I promise to only use the money to buy wine, male strippers and glitter-pooping unicorns (and maybe to donate to starving orphan puppies in Africa) or whatever the heck I want. If you think I shouldn't make money for the 60+ hours that I spend on this site each week, please go away and never come back. Read my disclosure policy.

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Comments

  1. Connie Bradshaw says

    July 21, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    I just found your blog two weeks ago from ‘Creatively Living’ where you had linked up to the link party. I am so glad I did because I really enjoy your display of savings weekly from various stores but I am also glad to hear that you are a women who has enjoyed her 21 years with the same man. Great topic, please consider linking this post up to the link party.

  2. Scott says

    July 22, 2015 at 11:03 am

    We also try not to ‘fight to win’, but sometimes it is difficult. We both can be so hard-headed…

  3. sacha says

    July 22, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    As I sometimes tend to be competitive, I keep in mind that in order for communication to be effective, I cant think of winning, Instead I must think of the greater good that we must accomplish.

  4. Caroline says

    July 22, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    We try not to fight, but since it’s impossible, fighting not to win sounds like a good thing to do. Will keep that in mind next time we have an argument. But like I said before, we never argue LOL 😉

  5. Chelley @ A is For Adelaide says

    July 22, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    Wow… I seriously am a fighter to win… thankfully, my hubby isn’t. He’s teaching me, and I am loving this advice because coming up on 6 years, I want to say we’ve made it well past 20 years.

  6. Carly Brydon says

    July 23, 2015 at 1:45 am

    I could not agree more with this! Your husband is your partner and you need to work together, not against each other to “win.”

  7. Amanda McMahon says

    July 23, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Winning isn’t everything – especially in relationships… we need balance and supportive partners.

  8. eliz frank says

    July 23, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    It is such a debilitating human behavior pattern that can kill any relationship. Your points are well said. We don’t have to win… compromise.

  9. Laurie says

    July 28, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    I’ll be celebrating my 29th anniversary later this year and can also attest to this as pretty sound advise!
    Thank you for sharing your post with us at the Brag About It link party!

    • Mindi Cherry says

      July 28, 2015 at 10:53 pm

      It realy is the best advice that we ever got. Thanks for visiting from the link party!

  10. Ros [email protected] says

    July 29, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Thank you for the advice and coming from someone who has been married for 21 years, i think is safe to say that you know what you are talking about! I appreciate this and will take it into consideration, next time me and my hubby have a disagreement.

  11. Liette Seguin says

    July 31, 2015 at 11:50 am

    It’s impossible not to fight. But I try my best to make up with him and lessen the fights. Your quote in bold and capital wraps this post perfectly.

  12. Iyanna says

    August 20, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    You just hit it right on the nail! This is totally a problem that so many face (including myself!)! Will definitely share!

  13. Laura says

    July 7, 2016 at 10:06 pm

    Thank you for sharing this at Thoughts of Home. We are so glad you are here.

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    Mindi has been blogging since 2008 sharing her best frugal living tips, recipes and more. When she isn't writing, she spends time as an unpaid cook, maid and chauffeur to her 3 children!

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