In a few weeks, I will be celebrating my 21st wedding anniversary with my husband. In October, we will celebrate 25 years as a couple.
How have we managed to stay together for so long? It's not because we have never had money problems (one of the leading causes of divorce). It's not because we don't occasionally argue about things like the kids, the house, the lawn, how long the other works, where to go on vacation, the proper way to load a dishwasher or any of the things that make married couples squabble with each other….
And I am not one of those women who thinks it is fine for her husband to “send her to her room” where I pick up LEGOs and then ask my husband “Am I in trouble?”
It's because 99% of the time, neither one of us is “fighting to win”.
You see – about 22 years ago, when we got engaged, one of the requirements of our church was that we had to go to “pre-marriage classes”. It was held at another local church and (I believe) was 4 nights, 2 hours per night. I don't remember much of what was said at those classes, but both Brad and I remember and live by 1 thing that was said:
“Never fight to win. If you win, that makes your spouse the loser – and who wants to be married to a loser?”
I know that it sounds simple – and maybe it is. But it is a what has kept our marriage strong and allowed us to turn almost any argument in to a rational discussion. It becomes more about trying to express our reasons for wanting to do things our way, but being open to the idea that there may be another way of approaching the problem. You can't have a decent discussion and come to a compromise that won't make one of you resentful if all you are trying to do is “win'.
Of course, this rule isn't going to work if what you are arguing about is infidelity, physical abuse, drug or alcohol abuse or the more serious things in life.
But the day to day arguments that arise? Give it a try!
Mindi has been blogging since 2008 sharing her best frugal living tips, recipes and more. When she isn't writing, she spends time as an unpaid cook, maid and chauffeur to her 3 children!
I just found your blog two weeks ago from ‘Creatively Living’ where you had linked up to the link party. I am so glad I did because I really enjoy your display of savings weekly from various stores but I am also glad to hear that you are a women who has enjoyed her 21 years with the same man. Great topic, please consider linking this post up to the link party.
We also try not to ‘fight to win’, but sometimes it is difficult. We both can be so hard-headed…
As I sometimes tend to be competitive, I keep in mind that in order for communication to be effective, I cant think of winning, Instead I must think of the greater good that we must accomplish.
We try not to fight, but since it’s impossible, fighting not to win sounds like a good thing to do. Will keep that in mind next time we have an argument. But like I said before, we never argue LOL 😉
Wow… I seriously am a fighter to win… thankfully, my hubby isn’t. He’s teaching me, and I am loving this advice because coming up on 6 years, I want to say we’ve made it well past 20 years.
I could not agree more with this! Your husband is your partner and you need to work together, not against each other to “win.”
Winning isn’t everything – especially in relationships… we need balance and supportive partners.
It is such a debilitating human behavior pattern that can kill any relationship. Your points are well said. We don’t have to win… compromise.
I’ll be celebrating my 29th anniversary later this year and can also attest to this as pretty sound advise!
Thank you for sharing your post with us at the Brag About It link party!
It realy is the best advice that we ever got. Thanks for visiting from the link party!
Thank you for the advice and coming from someone who has been married for 21 years, i think is safe to say that you know what you are talking about! I appreciate this and will take it into consideration, next time me and my hubby have a disagreement.
It’s impossible not to fight. But I try my best to make up with him and lessen the fights. Your quote in bold and capital wraps this post perfectly.
You just hit it right on the nail! This is totally a problem that so many face (including myself!)! Will definitely share!
Thank you for sharing this at Thoughts of Home. We are so glad you are here.